The explicit Racism of Expecting Women of Color to Be Both Exceptional and Grateful

There is an unspoken rule in leadership spaces — especially in the nonprofit industrial complex — that women of color learn quickly, often painfully:

We must be exceptional to be allowed in the room.

And we must be grateful for being there at all.

Not confident.

Not entitled.

Not self-assured.

Grateful.

This expectation is so normalized that it often goes unnamed. But once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

It shows up in hiring.

In compensation.

In board relationships.

In philanthropy.

In how mistakes are interpreted. In how success is received.

It is one of the quiet engines of white supremacy culture — and it shapes who gets to lead, how long they’re allowed to stay, and at what cost.

The Bar Is Higher — and the Floor Is Lower

Women of color are rarely allowed to be “good enough.”

We are expected to be:

• more prepared

• more credentialed

• more collaborative

• more emotionally intelligent

• more patient

• more strategic

• more resilient

  
  

We are asked to bring lived experience and technical expertise.

Heart and data.

Vision and execution.

Grace and grit.

Exceptionalism becomes the entry fee.

And then — once we clear that bar — a second expectation appears:

Gratitude.

Gratitude for the opportunity.

Gratitude for the trust.

Gratitude for the funding.

Gratitude for the seat at the table.

Even when the table is shaky.

Even when the compensation is inadequate.

Even when the scrutiny is relentless.

Gratitude as a Control Mechanism

Gratitude, in this context, is not about appreciation.

It is about containment.

Gratitude asks us to:

• soften critique

• tolerate inequity

• accept underpayment

• absorb harm quietly

• reassure others that they are “doing enough”

When a woman of color raises concerns, the unspoken response is often:

After all we’ve given you…

Gratitude becomes a leash.

It is used to suggest that questioning systems is ingratitude, that naming harm is disloyalty, that asserting worth is arrogance.

And this is how systems avoid accountability while appearing benevolent.

The Myth of the “Lucky” Leader

Another version of this dynamic sounds like:

“You’re so lucky to have this role.”

As if leadership were bestowed, not earned.

As if experience, expertise, and results were incidental.

As if our presence were a gift to us, not a contribution to the organization.

Luck is rarely invoked when white men lead.

Their success is assumed to be the product of merit.

Their compensation is assumed to be appropriate.

For women of color, leadership is framed as opportunity — not responsibility.

And opportunity, in this framing, always comes with an expectation of gratitude.

Exceptionalism Is Exhausting

The demand to be exceptional at all times leaves no room for:

• learning curves

• experimentation

• rest

• mistakes

• humanity

When women of color falter — even slightly — the consequences are often disproportionate.

Grace is conditional.

Trust is fragile.

Mistakes are remembered.

This is not because women of color are less capable.

It’s because the system never believed we belonged there in the first place.

Exceptionalism becomes a survival strategy — not a celebration of excellence.

How This Shows Up in Pay and Power

This expectation of gratitude shows up most clearly in compensation.

Women of color are often told — implicitly or explicitly — that:

• the mission should be enough

• the impact should be enough

• the opportunity should be enough

Fair pay is framed as a privilege, not a standard.

And when women of color are paid appropriately, the gratitude expectation doesn’t disappear — it intensifies. Compensation becomes something to justify. Success becomes something to explain. Comfort becomes something to defend.

This is how wage suppression survives under the banner of values.

What This Has Cost Us

The cost of this dynamic is enormous:

• burnout

• shortened tenures

• leadership churn

• loss of institutional memory

• talented leaders leaving the sector altogether

The nonprofit industrial complex then calls this a “pipeline problem.”

It is not.

It is a culture problem.

What We Are Allowed to Claim

Let’s be clear about what women of color in leadership are allowed to claim — without apology:

• We are allowed to be competent without being grateful.

• We are allowed to be paid fairly without performing humility.

• We are allowed to enjoy our success without suspicion.

• We are allowed to critique systems without being labeled difficult.

• We are allowed to lead as whole humans.

Gratitude is meaningful when it is freely given — not when it is required as the price of survival.

A Different Way Forward

If the nonprofit sector is serious about equity, it must interrogate this expectation deeply.

That means:

• valuing leadership without demanding self-erasure

• compensating excellence without moral judgment

• listening to critique without defensiveness

• trusting women of color beyond optics

Equity does not mean welcoming women of color into leadership and then asking them to be endlessly thankful for conditions others would never accept.

Equity means changing the conditions.

A Final Word

Women of color are not asking for special treatment.

We are asking for fair treatment — without the emotional tax of gratitude.

We are already exceptional.

We do not need to prove it again.

And we do not owe our silence, our joy, or our dignity to anyone in exchange for the chance to lead.

That is not equity.

That is extraction.

And it’s time the sector told the truth about it.